79 Laugh-Out-Loud Ways to Get Rid of Mr. Wrong - annotated and amplified

79 Laugh-Out-Loud Ways to Get Rid of Mr. Wrong

Although Elle advice columnist E. Jean Carroll writes mostly about how to find the man of your dreams in her latest book Mr. Right, Right Now!, she reserved the last witty chapter to show women how to drive men away, which you have to admit is pretty tempting at times. But best of all, you don't have to be in the market for ridding yourself of Mr. Wrong to enjoy her hilarious suggestions below. Take a look!

Oh, can we play too?

Best Way #1. Always end arguments by turning some deeply private secret he's confided to you...against him. Then add, "Screw you, you slobbering half-wit!"

1.5 Even Better Way: Stage an intervention. Include his parents and siblings if possible, but make sure that at very least, his boss, co-workers and closest friends are there.

7. Ask him once a week, "So, where do we stand?"

8. Or, if you prefer a more dramatic scrotum-tightener, ask, "So, where do we stand as a couple?"

8.5. At the worst possible, most awkward moment concevable, ask "Do you think I'm pretty?" If you are damn sure the answer will be an unthinking "yes," add "...as Angela Jolie."

8.6 Wake him up to ask these questions. For each one. The night before a critical early meeting. After all, there's nothing more important to you than your relationship.

8.6.5 Remind him of that constantly.

23. Ask him about his "personal feelings concerning the relationship" while he's watching the final two minutes of the seventh game of the NBA championship series. If he doesn't hear you, snap off the TV and hurl the remote out the window.

23.5. For extra points, stage this scene in public during a tense conversation with a social rival.

28. Is he feeling a tad overwhelmed by the serious turn your affair is taking? Surprise him with loads of expensive gifts for no reason.

28.5 For extra points, get your mom and sister to do it.

28.6 Make sure it's clothing designed to remake his entire image into something "acceptable" and alien to his entire being.

66. Trick him, dupe him, deceive him with every breath you take

-- i.e., follow The Rules.

Oooh, catty much? Not that she's wrong on this point. Viz:
66.5 Sleep with his best friend in order to learn deep secrets he won't tell you. For usage, see #1.

76. If you earn more money than he does, make sure you boost his ego by letting him pay for absolutely everything.

76.5. If he doesn't have the money, slip it to him! After all, it's not whether he can afford it, it's that everyone THINKS he can. Because, well, you wouldn't be dating a LOSER, right?

And one whole new one....

80. Make sure he knows you have standards and expect him to live up to them. Should he actually do that, raise the bar immediately!