Ownership Culture, BDSM and The Ethics of Power

I Speak from Authority

It's probably obvious by now that I have a certain bias toward power exchange relationships.

BDSM and the ethics of BDSM are part and parcel of my core understanding of interpersonal relationships. It's especially useful to me because BDSM makes a fetish - so to speak - of explicitly stating relationships that are more commonly (mis)understood on a dynamic, ad-hoc basis; often assigned arbitrarily and without much attention paid to competence. As an Asperger's male, that makes me absolutely nuts.

This tendency has been particularly conspicuous in political life of late, and most particularly on the Authoritarian end of the political spectrum. There are many people who are drawn to power - both in the sense of submission and in the sense of having others bend the knee - with almost no attention paid to donating power responsibly or using it wisely and well.

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I deal with a great deal of irony in my personal life, as I'm a reflexive anti-authoritarian - with the need to be in authority! Yes, I know, it's absurd - but my way to deal with that is to chuckle in a deeply masculine way and state with more than mere hubris that, yes, I damn well AM an authority - on that which I'm talking about. When I don't know, I smile and nod wisely, with an air of interested skepticism conveyed by a slightly raised eyebrow.

But as a person who has that need to be an authority, I am pretty much obliged to explore the extremes. Childhood was my introduction to one extreme, so now I'm doing the utterly predictable - attempting to find a way of recapitulate my childhood from the other side. Or so any family therapist would say.

Accurately, I'm afraid. But the difference is that I've learned that mindless mimicry of one's formative examples is a very, very bad idea. At the same time - that's who you are and that's how you think. It behooves one, therefore, to think very carefully about how to think that way in ways that bring approval, success and the ultimate proof in this context - a life-long relationship.

That, by the by, takes two. And it is in this sense that a power-imbalanced relationship must be equal, for everyone involved has an equal responsibility to maintaining that particular balance of power.

I have to say that I've learned almost nothing about "being in control" from Dominants - not because of who and what they are, or because they lack competence and wisdom, but because I'm so not that guy. The most important thing I did learn about it from one well-known lifestyle and scene dominant was that in many ways it IS about compensating for one's flaws, flaws that one might get away with in a more "vanilla" context. His issue was that he was an reflexive asshole and abuser. His kink was messing with people for fun - and he'd come to not like the consequences. At the same time, it was who he was.

So, while that's primarily the single lesson I've learned from other "tops," it's a critical one; the one that makes all the "hows" and "why's" I've gleaned from submissives useful to me.

One must stand and lead from the place one is. One may be a "Reiker," a "Janeway" or a "Picard," and if one is IN command, one must lead from that essential nature. You can put on a character for a scene, for an evening, or even (I know to my own cost) a few years - but since it's not your life, it won't last. Trust me on that.

This is not to say that it's not fun to step out of one's comfort zone or even entirely outside of reality. Hell, I absolutely recommend it! But for "The Lifestyle" to work, it really has to come out of your gut, your essence and your nature. For most of us - and by us, I include all of "us" that are willing to admit being more than somewhat kinky - life is far less exciting than people outside of the relationship probably assume.

That's because "The Lifestyle" has to allow for all the things life includes - children, clogged sinks, jobs, family, community - all things that tend to take you out of "head-space."

But ordinary, successful vanilla heterosexual, monogamous marriage does not depend on "head-space," either. And that is really what we are talking about - without, of course, insisting on the aspects of heterosexuality, monogamy or vanilla sex.

Which, by the by, matter far less than you might think. Successful relationships may arise out of such things - but the grow into far much more, to the point where the things you thought would be critical are no longer issues at all. That's what happens when everyone in that relationship is coming from that core of authenticity.

Of course that rather requires that you are honest with you and yours about what that core is.

Me, I'm a caretaker personality, a socially clueless male autistic and a sadist. What I'm not is "dominant." I like being in control - but I don't at all enjoy having to control someone. I'm not into walking into a room and taking charge. I can do it - but there has to be a damn good reason. I don't particularly enjoy confrontation or competition, because I simply do not do that "male culture" thing.

That's because, frankly, my hind-brain treats such things in very stark terms, and if forced into conflict with a competitive male, it won't be symbolic. It took a lot of years, bruises and a few close calls to sort this one out. The way I do it is to draw sharp lines. "Mine." "Not Mine." Those lines work for me, and anyone within those lines had best understand that this is a non-negotiable, bedrock thing for me.

No doubt John Bradshaw would have much to say about this - but here I am, and that's what I am. My solution is to not change who I am, but to be who I am as best and as ethically as I possibly can - and so far it seems to be working for me well enough to indulge my tendency to speak from Authority.

As I said, my life is a great big old pile of rusty irony. I'm committed to the concepts of human rights. I'm an anti-authoritarian. I snicker aloud when my fellow man claims that his stiff penis - or penis substitute - gives him the inherent right to rule. I become incensed when such men drag God into it.

For myself, I see no isolated "right." I see a drive, mutual but asymmetrical needs and a consequential duty; these give meaning to the word "right." As in "it's my job to be..."

If you must rule and if you expect to spend any time doing it, you had best learn to lead wisely and well, to the general betterment of all "under your hand." And those "under your hand" are most comfortable when their position is as natural, comfortable and fulfilling for them as it is for you.

That means that there is no place within my concept of "ownership culture" for perps and victims. If your kink is to be debased and discarded - well, I'll accept that it's your kink - but don't expect me to participate.

Nor will I tolerate perpish behavior toward me and mine. There's nothing in BDSM or even within Ownership culture that justifies being an arrogant, incompetent asshole - and in practice, your odds of a successful Saturday night are one heck of a lot better outside of this culture if you are.


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"Top" illustration: Ownership Event Invitation
by Ownership